Rim Boaba: A Cautionary Tale
by sumbuddyx
Summary: A scientist on a low-tech world must save his family during a Goa'uld invasion.
1. Chapter 1

_And remember my friend, ____future events__ such as these ____will__ affect you in the future. _Old Jaffa Saying.

Smoke filled the skies over the city called Lesticmunipal. Rim Boaba watched from his place of watching, upon the balcony of the city's library at the devastation being wrought. Sounds of calamitous chaos did touch upon his ears and bequeathed a portentous doom. It was just then that he came to a long known conclusion. The war was already lost. They'd lost it the moment the beings from above the stars had set their feet upon the surface of the Parjwan earth. The beings had taken away any chance for people to raise their families in a free and loving utopian world. Rim Boaba knew then that there was just one hope left for some survival. And that survival rest in the device that stood downstairs, silent as a predator on holiday. The great Circle With Blue Water. Or C-dub B-Dub. So he went downstairs.

Yarick Yarick gripped his weapon tight with his two hands and looked around warily with his two eyes. The library was not as besieged as some parts of Lesticmunipal were but still was slightly besieged, more or less. It didn't help that this had been a public holiday and most people could've been at home on their day off. The beings from the stars didn't take kindly to days off, it seemed and were giving Parjwan one heck of a rude awakening. Yarick Yarick was sure that at any moment some buddy could bust open the doors and strike them all down asunder their lasers. It filled him with dread and ill tidings. Was there but no hope, he did ask himself. He didn't have time to answer, for soon he saw that Rim Boaba was striding confidently towards him, but he probably would've answered no.

"Oh hello Rim Boaba," he did speak. "What goes on up there? Is it just as bad as everyone has gone on about."

"Oh hello Yarick Yarick." The other man looked sad or something. "Yes. It's definitely pretty bad, yes. We all knew it couldn't end well when they turned on their lasers."

"And invaded on our day off. That one was easy to miss."

Rim Boaba grasped the other man shoulder's with his hands. "Tell me Yarick Yarick. Is my family still safe? Is my wife and daughter still here?"

Yarick Yarick nodded and then nodded again. "Oh sure, they are still alive. Don't worry for now about them. This library is very safe as you probably know. These beings from the stars don't look like the type of guys who like books all that much. They might just leave this place alone, you know?"

Rim Boaba shook his head sadly. "I don't believe so, and therein lies a shame." He sighed. "Do you remember how it happened, Yarick Yarick? Do you remember when they first came to this world."

"Well, yeah, it was about thirty minutes ago. It's still pretty recent. But remind me, please. I want to know." He had a backpack.

_ It was a happy day, not just because it was both Rim Boaba's daughter's birthday and the day of his anniversary to his wife, but also because it was a public holiday. And it wasn't one of the public holiday's for some political leader or labour day but had been for when they'd smashed one of the countries that had been annoying them and they'd forced them to join their union. It was a good day. But then the pyramid ships started hovering over cities and pummelling them into dust. And the day weren't no good no more. And then it got worse. _

_ In city remains ball-shaped objects emitted holograms of a terrifying visage. "Behold," he did declare. "I am Yahweh, System Lord. I am your god. Surrender to me, and die. Raaaaah!"_

_ Some people weren't sure if he'd got things mixed up a bit. It didn't matter really. His terrible winged Angel-guards did strike down any remaining resistance with their staff weapons and a poor few did feel the kiss from their razor sharp NRG halos. His capitalised First Prime did lead the combatants aboard his trusty steed, a nightmare brought form with glowing red eyes and ever present overwhelming smell that made men weep or throw up, but women kind of shrugged at because they put up with a lot of crap, man. Their apocalypse was here._

"They're hovering over Fifth Street," came the voice of some guy looking at his computer screen. "They're turning on their lasers. They're destroying Fifth Street. Fifth Street is being destroyed."

Yarick Yarick shook his head in what was both anger and annoyance, and a little bit of gunger. Or humger. Okay, hunger. "This sucks," he spat and then kind of looked a bit sheepish. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Yeah, maybe," agreed Rim Boaba, his hand over his mouth, not really listening to what had been said, and looking at the computer screen. "Yeah."

"Fifth Street has been destroyed. They're moving up to Sixth Street." And so on and so forth. Repeat ad infinauseam.

Rim Boaba looked like he wanted to cry. What a sissy! "They're like some great predatory bird, feeding on the scraps of our bodies. No time to make a stand! What chance do we have? It's over. Finished. Reap the whirlwind."

Yarick Yarick nodded at his every word. "Could we do any less?"

The some guy motioned his head towards the wall behind them. "So, yeah, let's go, ay?" Right behind them next to the vocations dircher stood the C-dub B-dub. It was pulled up nice and tall, the circle sticking out at their heads and a couple of trucks were either side running jumper leads to it and it's starting up part with the big red button. And guys were in the trucks, gunning the accelerator and it sounded real rough and mean, like army trucks and everyone would have been enjoying the sound just of that if things weren't hitting the fan outside, or if the C-dub B-dub weren't making some sound that sounded more impressive, man. And the circle was spinning around and around and around and it looked impressive just doing that too.

"We're good to start up, I think guys," said Nerd from his station in front of the circle.

Rim Boaba looked at the people that were milling about. "I know this sucks, the circumstance we are in to do this guys, but now we get to see the fruit of our endeavours plucked from the tree of destiny and given to us. To eat." He took a breath. "It's dedication from you that has stopped the military industrial complex from getting their hands on this portal to other worlds and using it to wage war against other worlds. I know that would let me sleep easier knowing we stood by what we stood by, even with what befell us, even whether that would have happened anyway. I'm glad you all stood by my suggestion." A cricket chirped. "Let's do this. Let's roll!"

_ The circle stopped and the portal did it's KA-WOOSH and then went all placid and nice. As Rim Boaba watched four people strode out of the gate and down the big ramp set in front of it, all dressed in similar military garb._

_ A guy in a cap stepped forward. "Howdy, ya'll," greeted their leader who's name they didn't know at this point. "I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill." Okay, now they did. "I'm American and I'm a man, and these are my team members, from our team called SG-1. Got that, guys? I said, SG-1, eh!"_

_ A blonde woman greeted them. "I'm Major Samantha Carter and don't look at me like that. Just because I'm a woman and my sex organs are on the inside doesn't mean I can't beat the crap out of you sad excuse for human looking aliens, so don't look me in the eye or you'll be looking at your loved ones through a straw!"_

_ Some bookworm guy looked right at home in their library but Rim Boaba noticed how chizeled and sculptured the guy looked in his awesome looking military garb. "I'm Daniel Jackson, adventurer and linguist and archaeologist or egyptologist or something. Obviously this is early Egyptian architecture, just like was written down in the book High Emprise for the Cuirass about the only thing I remember from Grade Eight, where that guy Petubastis lost his dad's cuirass and some bad stuff went down until Wer Tep Amen Niwdt showed up like the Chuck Norris of ancient times and sorted it all out."_

_ And there was also a big black guy, but that didn't really mean anything because they didn't look at things in black and white but shades of grey and it'd be like saying since you're mentioning the __black guy and not the white guys that the black guy is not normal but that wasn't what they were saying __at all, because for all anyone knew Rim Boaba was black himself and it had just never come up in conversation until now. But it didn't matter unless it mattered. So this guy had a big shaft in his hand and some gold in his face but he wasn't a rapper or pornstar. "Greetings. I am Teal'c. You are mistaken. I am not black anyway, I am chocolate. But I forgive you, Rim Boaba. Begone with you and bring us some good food so that we may discuss things with bellies full."_

_ The Americans and the humans sat down together and talked long into the rest of the amount of time about things. The Americans wanted to plant some SAM sites around Lesticmunipal with some naquadria-enhanced Hatak-busting WMDs and draw some System Lords to what they'd believe would be a low-tech world. And then, if the hataks had a mouth, they'd bust their fat lip open, leaving Lesticmunipal mostly intact and planet America safe. Rim Boaba stood his ground. _

_ Colonel O'Neill and team took their leave. "Well, nice knowing you kids. If the Goa'uld come calling for you, like we know they will, don't go crying over spilt milk. And that milk will actually be your blood and by spilt I mean all over this goddamn place, ya'll. But just in case, have this." He handed Rim Boaba some electronic device. "It's a GDO. If you need to get to our world, just dial up the stargate, press this button and everything's apples. But, for crying out loud, just don't forget to turn it on, okay, numnuts."_

_ Rim Boaba nodded and took the device._

The trucks were hella noisy now and the C-dub B-dub, or we could probably just call it stargate now, was noisy too.

"First One is gone done lit up!" yelled out the technician.

"?" replied Yarick Yarick, his fingers in his ears. "!"

"I've got to get my family up here, ready to rock, ready to roll, ready to go," whispered Rim Boaba. "We gots to make this happen."

Yarick Yarick nodded slowly. "."

Rim Boaba looked around the room. "Where are they Yarick Yarick? Where the heck's my family man?"

Yarick Yarick looked away. "..."

_Rim Boaba's wife Steg and Rim Boaba lay embraced in each other's arms in bed together. "Soon, Steg. Soon we will be ready for own adventures through the C-dub B-dub. None of this damned military 'stargate' business just good old exploring and enrichment of our lives through said exploring of stuff and Furlings."_

_ "Are you sure this is wise my husband? Rim, do you really understand what it is you are doing, or might not be doing? Might be compromising us, or our world by hiding this information from people that might use it for our advantage."_

_ Rim Boaba shrugged. "Nah, we'll be fine. I''m sure we'll never be invaded!" Rim Boaba's hand found his wife's swollen belly and he patted it gently. "There's a baby in there," he said happily. "Another boy or girl Boaba for the family Boaba. A sibling for our daughter. And she'll be born very soon. Maybe it'll be tomorrow, our anniversary and our daughter's birthday. We can only hope." _

"Second One is gone done lit up."

Rim Boaba was already walking quite quieter ever so faster at towards the supposed location of the whereabouts of whence and where the woman he would call his wife would be located at. He could hear the sounds of sizzling laser blasts pounding the city still and it was with judicious intent that he strolled ever after on down the staircase that was there too. Some goons sat there, hardware at the ready to smash tackle the Angel-guards whenever that should happen soon. Haters gonna hate but lo' what you gone do?

_The fat sack of crap military general sat chomping down on cigars and cakes and pies at his desk while Rim Boaba just looked on from where he sat in front of him at the desk. With cream all over his face the fat sack of crap military general snorted at the scientist before him. "Bah, you scientists and your damn science, man. What is this? A kingdom of fools leading the blind from water? You study this new wormhole device but you don't really understand the power behind it, that moves us on and binds us together as freedom conquerors, eh?"_

_ "Um. No. I'm just here for some federal funding and I took a wrong turn and ended up in your office. Sorry about that."_

_ "Accidents, bah? Stuff and nonsense I say, young blood. Twas' surely destiny that brought you here and into mine sights eh?_

_ Rim Boaba opened his mouth. And then closed it. And then opened it again. And then closed it again. Finally he spoked. "Sure."_

_ "Damn right, young ironsmith. Sure as this cold blooded old sour toast knows what happened last Tuesday when we smashed that nation into our union sure. Think on that for a moment!"_

_ Beads of sweat were mulling about on Rim Boaba's forehead and try as he might he couldn't get his legs to take up and out of this office. He breathed out heavily and gave a faint smile to the fat sack of crap military general. "Okay."_

_ The fat sack of crap military general hissed like some sort of alien cat, I guess. "You listen here little boy and you listen up good. We've indulged your flights of fantasy for a while now but I'm here to tell you that you better hand over that portal or I'm about to cut you open like a big ol' sack full of crap and take it from you myself." He ate some more pies. "What you say? Deal?"_

"Third One is gone done lit up."

And suddenly the screen door was pulled open and Rim Boaba's insides churned, as he thought maybe their nemesis had learned to operate door handles. But then his heart was aflutter as a young security dude led his wife and child towards him. He skipped towards his family, kissing his wife and daughter and hugging them.

"Yo family. Oh, man. I was really worried about what was happening to you."

Steg soothed him with her nasal tones. "We was all fine, my husband. We have this young man to thank for saving us, putting his own life at risk and his security detail, which are now all dead."

"Oh. Well, thanks guy. Sorry about your guys."

Young dude smiled at them and then shot himself in the face. His body fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.

"No time for that now!" talked Rim Boaba, standing proudly. "Our family is back together! Now we can take evasive action! Attack pattern alpha!" And with effervescent exuberance the family scampered away.

_It was a dark and stormy night and Rim Boaba lay in a circle on his couch, his hand to his hear, pressing his telephone to his skull. Thunder crashed, wind howled, rain splattered, trees swayed, lightning crashes, a new mother cries, something about placenta. Gross. You get the picture._

_ Rim Boaba's husky tones dripped onto the receiver. "So, sweetheart, you think that we can make this happen?" He brought his fingers to his lips and pretended he was smoking a cigar. "Do you think it's possible or am I going to have to go without. I ain't that sorta man, girl. I ain't never been a man like that and I don't intend on being a man like that. I never gonna roll over and play dead, when there's a lot of fussing and fighting my friend. I won't hear of it."_

_There was a crackle of static. "Sorry to leave you on hold. Well, Mr Boabo. We've finished setting you up. You'll have your insurance package in thirty minutes." _

_ Rim Boaba coughed. "So that's home, car, travel and boat insurance? And jetpack? Sweet! I know people will say it's a lot, but I don't care. What if there's a natural disaster? Where will I be then?" He hung up and ran to find Steg. "I just saved a lot of money on our insurance! Whoever you, whatever you do, they put the YOU in GGU Insurance!"_

"Fourth One is gone done lit up."

The Rim Boaba family ran back into the main room. Everyone was still there. Rim Boaba rubbed his hands together and meditated on the current drama unfolding. He couldn't believe what luck he was having. His family was safe. The C-dub B-dub was doing it's thing. All was good.

Techspert glared. "I would like to see that you drowned. Is odd, yes?" Laughter from all around.

"I told you. This is for the best. If you were as smart as me I'd bother explaining why this is happening, but until then show's over." He shrugged. "But I tell you people, I learned something today. And so this was the planet that was. We laughed. We cried. We loved a little more than most people ever should. And most importantly. We can't hide our feelings."

And the Yarick Yarick turned up, because he hadn't been seen for a while. "I had to use the bathroom. I hate so say it, but I think I stunk up the place man." Canned laughter. "Hoo boy. Seriously, if these Goa'ulds weren't going to knock the place down, I might just have to do it myself. I think some of it followed me out here. Anyone got some industrial strength bleach and some steel wool? I hope that's plot relevant."

Rim Boaba chuckled. "Yarick Yarick! You cad."

Yarick Yarick grinned. "Oh lord, all day I was worried because the boss was coming around for dinner. And look, I got tomato sauce on my shirt! Oh wait, that's blood. Ouch, pain. I think I've been hit."

Rim Boaba looked down to where he was gesturing. There was a massive hole in Yarick Yarick's chest.

"Do you think it will wash out?"

The walls exploded.

_It was yet another beautiful day in the past and inside some church there were people milling about because Rim and Steg were getting married. Rim Boaba was wearing a suit and Steg was wearing a dress or whatever. Maybe it was the other way around. Dude's can wear dresses if they feel like it. On this planet, at least. Fine, Rim Boaba was wearing a skirt and manglet and Steg was wearing a leopard skin suit. They stood in front of a crowd of some amount of people, but somehow standing in front of minster as as well. Okay, the people were behind them. And then them, then the minster. And they were getting married! _

_ "Unless anyone objects-" began the minster. _

_ "Don't be doing it sweetheart!" yelled Steg's father. The brick he threw just missed Rim Boaba and killed his best man. "I don't want you marrying this here joker. He don't ain't no good for the likes of someone purty like you, darl!" Rim Boaba tilted his head to avoid the bottle of champagne. "What if in a few years he finds some kind of portal to planets and aliens wreck the joint. What kind of woman will you be then?"_

_ The minster had done had enough, dagnabbit! He whipped out his shotgun and shot the man sitting in front of Steg's father. "Lookie here now, you abominable cretin. This here is a court of worshipping up in here! Keep yo goddamn mouth shut, sir, or I'll shoot another one of your sons!" Silence descended and then fell over. The minster gathered his composure and then coughed lightly, giving the bride and groom a warm smile. "Where was I? Oh, right. Marriage. By the power of our non-demonational Lord I declare that thou art married. Kiss yo bride, fool!"_

"Fifth One is gone done lit up."

Laser blasts zigzagged through the room now that the walls were done protecting the occupants Yarick Yarick groaned and hefted his organs back into place. "Man this is painful. Anyone have any iodine?"

The monstrous steed from the before charged into the fray with it's rider still riding. Techspert took one look at the beast and immediately vomited his ischial tuberosity, and his self-respect. Nerd clamped his eyes shut and tried to pretend to clackety clack the keyboard but the smell was too much for him and so he drank some detergent. Rim Boaba held his wife and daughter to him, sitting on the floor, pressed up against a desk, out of sight from the intruders.

The First Prime and his horse thing stamped around the room, with a yo-ho-ho and yee-hee-hee, casting glances around at things and stuff, his gold-cross emblem for all to see. "Behold the son of man! I am First Prime Jesus. Let I who is without sin cast the first stone." He cast the first stone. Three people vaporised.

"Go up you baldhead!" yelled some idiot.

Jesus gave a disapproving glare. "Give me your spleens!" And then the smell from steed forced the guy to do just that.

Over there, Rim Boaba whispered to his wife. "We have to get out of here!" Except she didn't whisper back. Because she was dead! And so was his daughter! Some random blast had crispified them.

"Oh go to hell!" yelled Rim Boaba, as tears dripped down his face and onto his lifeless daughter's cheeks. "Oh you capricious rat bastard piece of crap. I'm onto you now. I'm not playing your games anymore. I'm not going to be your twisted toy you throw hopes at and then pull away at the last minute. No, I'm going to sit here and die where I belong." Except a laser blast hit the desk and knocked him flying.

_And then we were back at the same park where Rim Boaba and his wife and daughter were having their picnic again. What was on the menu? Sandwiches. Maybe some cheese and crackers. Big pickles. Sausages, sausages, sausages. What a spread!_

_ "What am I doing back here?" muttered Rim Boaba. His wife and kid were doing some food eating and look all endearing and whatnot. The sky had that weird filter over it that made the past look all sweet and things were moving in a slowed motion, such as when Steg would eat something and then smile all nice and crap._

_ "This isn't real. This isn't happening again. This is just some crap you made up, but why?" Except Rim Boaba wasn't making any sense! "No, forget that. I am making sense you goon."_

_ Steg looked at her husband with concern. "Oh my husband, are you ill?" She pressed a hand to his brow. "Would you like me to make it all better?"_

_ He nodded. "No I didn't. You're not real. You're not my wife. My wife's lying dead in my arms and I don't know who you are but you're not her. You look like her, you smell like her. But you're not her." Except Steg kissed him to shut him and his crazy talk up. And he gave in to it._

_ And then pyramid ship descended over the city, as was happening all the while around the globe in other cities. They were back, for the first time!_

_ Rim Boaba pushed his wife away. "No, no, no, no, no, NO! Not again! Just stop it! Just leave us alone!" How crazy!_

"Sixth one." Is gone done lit up. Oh wait, that guy must've died mid-sentence.

The blast that had caught or knocked Rim Boaba had catapulted him to the Presser Buttoner. Yarick Yarick was over here too now, for some reason, laying in a pool of his own juices. He grinned at Rim Boaba and gestured to his backpack. Did he have a backpack before? He does now. Hold on a second while I go add it. Okay. I'm back. "Oh hello Rim Boaba. Take my backpack. It has as many documentaries about our planet as I could find shoved in there. They're all VHS tapes so I'm sure people will be able to watch them. Please take good care of it and don't die. That would suck. Alas, my time is up. Ack, death." Rim Boaba looked down at his now dead friend with the stupid grin.

"No. I'm not going anywhere."

"Really?" Hooves stamped the ground. First Prime Jesus looked down at Rim Boaba with an expression on his face. "Hello little man. I think you know where you're going, don't you. The same place as the rest of your people." He paused for dramatic effect. "That's death, by the way."

_Rim Boaba had a sore throat from a cold and he couldn't talk, but just in case there was a gag around his mouth. He was in the lab looking at some equations on the blackboard and thinking about science. Fermat Last Theorem was up there, the Drake Equation, E=mc2, y=x. He held in his hand a small globe. He'd guessed it was some kind of small communications device, but it was mostly inert now and made a great paper weight. He tossed it to one of his assistants, who were in the room too. _

_ "Testing, testing, is this thing on." The assistant laughed. "Please don't come to our planet alien guys. We're not on the left side of the Milky Way, fourth planet from our sun, star whatever." Rim Boaba moved over and started strangling the guy. Unbeknownst to them, the device was actually on!_

Seventh one is gone done lit up. The C-dub B-dub did it's KA-WOOSH and a dumb as bricks First Prime Jesus was knocked aside, his horse thing whinnying as if someone had said _Frau Blücher. _ And so this was the planet that was. Rim Boaba didn't have much time to act, but slowly in slow motion he hefted the backpack up onto his back and began to run towards the opened portal. His mind began to fill with memories of Parjwan and it's people, what a collective bunch of people they were. Brilliant in their simplicity. It was unimportant the gibberish that was coming out of his mouth, so we won't describe it here because it was more crazy talk and whatnot. From a madman. Jesus fired off a couple of blasts from his staff weapon but it was too late. Rim Boaba launched himself into a dive towards the C-dub B-dub, sailing through the air like how a car doesn't, but maybe a flying car does. The event horizon was rushing up towards him. It was just then he thought back to Colonel O'Neill's last words and what he had not done. Turned on his GDO, for crying out loud. Too late.

General Hammond looked up at the iris blocking Earth's stargate from illegal aliens. The blue tones of the stargate's wormhole thing played over the backwall. Something made a thump as it hit the iris. Then the stargate turned off. Hammond groaned. "We got another splatter. Siler, you and Walter get some detergent and come down here clean this up, all shiny like. I hope this one weren't too messy. God I hate it when they do that. They leave chunks and all that. And the stain. Oh well, glad it's not me. Hop to it boys!"

THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

AUTHOR'S AFTERWORDS

**Not sure if anyone is still reading this but I thought I should give a background on why I wrote it. So I was inspired to write this story after watching the Star Trek Voyager episode "Course: Oblivion" and the tragic tale of the alternate Voyager crew and what happened to them. And then I remember watching the SG-1 episode in the Fourth Season where they go some planet where there's like some parallel to eugenics or something. And at the end Odo splat's the iris. I wondered if those two ideas could be stapled together to make something work. And I think I did**

**okay. And-**

**Huh.**

**Okay. I thought it was just my imagination for a moment there but you're still here aren't you. I thought I'd gotten rid of your antics when I splattered you into the iris. But you're still here aren't you Rim Boaba.**

"**Yes. I am."**

**Well, why don't you be a smart guy like the character you're supposed to be and leave me alone to write this wrap up. I'm done with you.**

"**Well, then we have a problem, don't we? Because I'm not done with you. You say I'm supposed to be a smart character, well why the hell did you have me act like a complete moron? And my people too?"**

**I thought it befit the tragedy to show how incompetence leads good guys to turn into bad decision makers. **

"**No, you know what I think. I think you're a hack writer, and not even a good hack writer to be honest. There was no effort to even move things from A to B. It was just schlock scene after schlock scene, punctuated with stupid dialogue. It would have been something to make me actually incompetent. But it was just so bad I couldn't even believe any of it was real."**

**Wait, wait wait. Wait. Is that why you started talking like you knew what was going on? Because you knew what was going on?**

"**Yeah. You know, you may be 'god' or at least you're the guy that created me. But man you're dumb."**

**Yeah? Well guess what buddy? This god can write other kinds of stories too! What's that? Want to guest star in SG-1 erotica? Sure thing!**

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.

Colonel Jack O'Neill pushed open the door of his house and sighed heavily. It had been such a terrible day at Stargate Command, with Goa'uld business as usual. But at least there had been work to take his mind off the crushing loneliness he felt. Here there was nothing but the solace of a bottle of Jack, beer in the fridge and The Simpsons. He didn't know how much longer he could go on feeling this way.

And then he heard a noise and his hand went instinctively to for his weapon. But it took him a second to realise that what he'd heard was giggling. And men giggling at that. And it was coming from his bedroom.

He sidled close to the doorway and looked in. He couldn't believe his eyes. His friends Teal'c and Daniel Jackson were having a pillow fight. In their underwear. "For crying out loud guys! What the hell is this?"

Daniel Jackson and Teal'c stopped what they were doing and looked over. "Oh hi, Jack. Sorry to bust in on you like this. But we were feeling rather, I'm not sure of the right word. Or maybe the word is gay."

"Indeed."

Jack O'Neill looked on, raising an eyebrow. "You're feeling gay?"

"Yeah, remember that world we visited P23-456 where that Tok'ra scientist was making that anti-Goa'uld weapon. There was a slight miscalculation. Turns out it turns you gay. We're gay now."

"You're gay now," Colonel O'Neill repeated back. He turned the words over in his mind.

"Indeed."

"So who's that then," Jack O'Neill said, gesturing to Rim Boaba who was also sitting on a chair in his underwear watching the whole thing.

"Oh that's Rim Boaba, some retard from some world that got invaded because they were too dumb to live. He'd splattered the iris some time back but Major Samantha Carter, our top scientist, as you well know, was able to reconstitute his atoms back together. Took some time but here he is in the flesh, hopefully not whining about his dead family."

Jack O'Neill looked from Rim Boaba to Daniel Jackson. Teal'c patted the bed invitingly. "No, no, you guys go on ahead. It's nothing personal. I'm just not gay."

Daniel Jackson shot him with a laser. "You are now."

"Yes I am!" squealed Colonel O'Neill. "Oh my lord I am." He began to undress.

"Indeed."

"Alright. Enough of this crap! Stop making yourself look ridiculous! I want out of this story!"

But Daniel Jackson had other ideas and he crawled over the bed towards Rim Boaba. And Rim Boaba-

Rim Boaba. Come on. What's this crap? Rim Boaba-

"Did nothing. He sat here and looked around at this ridiculous scenario and told the readers what a complete joke the writer was and how the writer now had no powers over a very pissed off Rim Boaba."

Shut up.

"He mused about how this dick of a god had put Rim Boaba through stupid torment for a few cheap laughs. And then, what was the most interesting part, Rim Boaba had a look around this joker's computer and found his god's bank records! Oh what's this? Bank account numbers? I wonder if the readers want a look at this, do they?"

Stop it! I'll just turn the computer off and where will you be then.

"Doesn't matter, you son of a bitch I'm in the public consciousness now. You don't own me anymore and you can't control me. As long as one person has thought about what happens next, I'll live on. Maybe I'll make their computer my home now! Hey reader, want some money transferred?"

Alright! YOU WIN! Just stop it, just leave it alone. What the hell do you want?

"I want you to put me into a decent story and don't mess it up this time! I want my wife back and my daughter. And my planet. and if you're going to do some story make it at least readable for these poor bastards reading it."

Yeah, fine whatever. Is that it?

"I want a happy ending this time around. And don't think I won't know. I'll start my own goddamn story in here and make you a character. Don't even think that I won't! Okay?"

Okay. Sure. Fine.

"Good! Now get started!"

Smoke filled the skies over the city called Lesticmunipal. Rim Boaba looked out from the balcony above the cities library. He felt different. He felt the change. Things would be different this time around. He smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

THE REAL

Okay, so this is my real afterword. I wonder if anyone's still reading. If you are, I hope you enjoyed this. I wanted to try something different and I hope I succeeded in giving you something a bit different to read. I was inspired by the Shoot The Shaggy Dog page at TVTROPES and had wanted to do a story like that for ages. It was going to be a 4 page story with some bronze age society that would have been a straight up version of the initial part of this story. Goa'ulds invade, guy leaves world, splats iris. The End. It just felt so evil to do that and so I thought it might be nice for that character to get his revenge instead.

Thanks for reading and please leave a comment!

Bye.

And leave me alone Rim Boaba.


End file.
